In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
