considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My liver just had a heart attack.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
