The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
