i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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