He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
