My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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