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If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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