i was born a porn star she said
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize