I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
