girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
