I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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