if only i could text you this smell
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
