Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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