remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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