May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
