I feel like I'm in dance class right now
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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