just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize