I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
