last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
