True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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