I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
