i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize