So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
True but thats because hes a fetus.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
So squirting runs in the family.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
