He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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