Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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