dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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