Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
In other news, I just burned my penis
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
