Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just pee around me
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
