You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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