If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
