i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
