I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
