Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
