okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
