just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
