I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
