i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize