I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize