I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
