found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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