Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
