After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
