i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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