she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I AM VODKA MAN
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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