I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
