he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize