I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
