I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
