Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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