does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
