I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
