So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
