I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
