Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
