i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
