I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
