I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
