I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
