Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
