she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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