i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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