lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
